Jokes thread. [Archive] - Random Games

Arkacia

03-04-2005, 02:49 AM

Post your favorite jokes :D

Three words though....keep it clean ;):).

The parrot...

Mary received a parrot as a gift. The parrot was fully grown with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was a curse: those that weren't curses were to say the least, rude.

Mary tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite things. Words and playing soft music...anything she could think of. Nothing worked.

She yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. She shook the bird and the bird got madder and more rude. Finally in a moment of desperation, Mary put the parrot in the freezer to get a minute of peace.

For a few moments she heard the bird swearing, squawking kicking and screaming and then, suddenly there was absolute quiet. Mary was frightened that she might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Mary's extended arm and said:

"I'm very sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior and I am sure it will never happen again."

Mary was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"

Mick

03-04-2005, 03:24 AM

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The man said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

zaqhyb

03-16-2005, 09:41 AM

There is a brewnet on the railroad and she is jumping up and down and saying 23 23 and a blond walks by and thinks wow that's strange. and so she walks up to the brewnet and says what r u doning. Well the brewnet said that it is just a fun thing to do. So the blond says let me try. And then the blond starts jumping up and down and a train comes by and kills her. Then once the train goes by the brewnet starts again and says 24 24 24

Freakums

03-16-2005, 06:03 PM

this might be a little dirty . . . . but!

A woman sees a parroty on sale for a very low price, feed and cage.
she assked why it was at such a low price, and the seller answrered that was because of its language and that it came from a house of ill-repute.
so the woman buys it, and when she takes the cloth off its cage at homer, it says:
"wow! new house, new madam!"
she is angry at first, but realizes the parrot knows no better.
then her duaghters come hioem from school, and the parrot remarks:
"new house, new madam and new girls!"
they laugh it off.
then the husband comes home and the parrot says:
"Hi ken!"

Arkacia

03-17-2005, 09:15 PM

Online Too Long

70 Ways To Tell You've Been Online Too Long

1. Tech Support calls "YOU" for help.

2. Someone at work tells you a joke and you say "LOL".

3. You watch TV with the closed captioning turned on.

4. You have called out someone's screen name while making love to
your significant other.

5. You keep begging your friends to get an account so "we can hang out".

6. Three words: Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.

7. You've even gotten on an airplane just to meet some folks face-to-
face.

8. You have to get a 2d phone line just so you can call Pizza Hut.

9. You go into labor and you stop to type a special e-mail to let everyone
know you're going to be away.

10. You have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it.

11. You no longer type with proper capitalization, punctuation, or
complete sentences.

12. You have met over 100 AOLers.

13. You begin to say "heh heh heh" instead of laughing.

14. When someone says "What did you say?" you reply "Scroll up!"

15. You find yourself sneaking away to the computer in the middle of the
night when your spouse is asleep.

16. You turn down the lights & close the blinds so people won't know
you're on-line again.

17. You know more about your AOL friends' daily routines than you do
your own spouses.

18. You find yourself lying to others about your time on-line & when they
complain that your phone was busy you claim it was off the hook.

19. You have an identity crisis if someone is using a screen name close to
your own.

20. You would rather tell people that your bloodshot eyes are from
partying too much than the truth (online all night).

21. You change your screen names so much that you have to look at your
own profile to see who you are.

22. Your kids are standing at your side saying, "Mommy, please come and
cook" dinner and you would rather type another "LOL".

23. You type messages to people while you are on the phone with them at
the same time.

24. You won't work at a job that doesn't have a modem involved.

25. Your dog leaves you.

26. You have to ask what year it is.

27. You write a letter like this.. "dear tom, hiyas! how r u doin well I gotta
go bbl!"

28. You name your pets after people you talk to.

29. You smile sideways...

30. You sign on & immediately get 10 IMs from people who have you on
their buddy list.

31. You look at an annoying person off-line & wish you had your ignore
button handy.

32. You bring a bag lunch & a cooler to the computer.

33. Your significant other kisses your neck while you're chatting & you
think "uh oh cyber perv".

34. You have withdrawals if you are away from the computer for more
than a few hours.

35. You use AOL lingo in everyday life (if you still have one he he he).

36. You take a speed reading course to keep up with the scrolling.

37. Your buddy list has over 100 people on it.

38. Your worse comeback to a bully is "I'll slap ya w/a rubber chicken!"

39. You wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is get online
before you have your first cup of coffee.

40. You have to inject no-doze into your butt to keep it awake.

41. You have your computer set so it goes directly into AOL's welcome
screen.

42. You don't know where the time has gone.

43. You end sentences with 3 (or more) periods while writing letters by
hand.

44. You get up at 2am to go to the bathroom but turn on the computer
instead.

45. You don't even notice anymore when someone has a typo.

46. You enter a room & 23 people greet you w/((hugs)) or **kisses**.

47. You stop typing whole words and use things like ppl, dunno and
lemme.

48. Your voicemail/answering machine message is "BRB, leave your s/n &
I will TTYL".

49. You type faster than you think.

50. You got your psychiatrist addicted to AOL too & are now undergoing
therapy in private rooms instead of at his office.

51. You want to be buried with your computer when it dies or vice versa.

52. You actually enjoy the fact that you are addicted.

53. You can actually read & follow all the names of the cast that scrolls up
your TV screen at the end of a movie.

54. People say, "If it weren't for your super reflexes in your eyes &
fingers, you would have been classified as a vegetable!"

55. You dream in "text".

56. Being called a Newbie is a "MAJOR" insult.

57. There is absolutely no interesting chat in any room & you're really
bored.

58. You don't want to leave in case you miss something.

59. You double click your TV remote.

60. You can now type over 70wpm.

61. You think about starting a 12-step recovery group for AOL junkies.

62. You are on the phone a minute & need to do something else &
say "BRB" or "BBL".

63. You check your Email and forget you have real mail aka snail mail.

64. You go into withdrawals during dinner.

65. You spend at least 30 minutes making sure you say goodbye to
everyone in a room.

66. You stop speaking in full sentences.

67. You have gone into an unstaffed Tech Support room & ended
up "giving" tech support to other AOLers.

68. You have to be pried from your computer by the "Jaws of Life".

69. You know what a "snert" is.

70. You set your kitchen on fire while cooking dinner because you wanted
to check your mail" & while there you "just wanted to see who was
online".

phantomullet

03-18-2005, 04:30 PM

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr Welch himself):

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have tobuy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, andyou would just accept this, restart and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT." But then you would have to buy more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five per cent of the roads.

7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.

10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.

12. Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

Baller

03-20-2005, 10:52 AM

Why did the chicken cross the road

To get to the chicken farm LOL

How many horses does it take to screw in a lightbulb

3

psikid@cox.net

03-20-2005, 05:35 PM

what happened to the guy who ran in front of the car?
he got tired

what happend to the guy who ran behind the car?
he got exhausted
hahahaha

Skeletor

03-31-2005, 02:13 AM

bit lame but who cares :D

A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong e-mail address!

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida to thaw out
during one particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the
very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years
earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate
their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew
to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following
day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his
room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he
accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and
without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned Home
from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who
Was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The
widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages of
condolence from relatives and friends. After reading the first
message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room,
found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen
which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: 16 January 2004

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have
computers here now and you are allowed to send e-
mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have
been checked in. I see that everything has been
prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward
to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as
uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

Arkacia

04-01-2005, 04:41 AM

Surgery Problems

Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery:

- Oops!

- Has anyone seen my watch?

- That was some party last night I can't remember when I've been that
drunk.

- Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

- Well this book doesn't say that... What edition is your manual?

- OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of
nature.

- Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

- Come back with that! Bad Dog!

- Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

- Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie

- If I can just remember how they did this on ER last week.

- Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?

- Damn, there go the lights again...

- Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two
of 'em.

- Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

- Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my
concentration off.

- I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.

- Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.

- Steril, shcmeril. The floor's clean, right?

- What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change!

- What do you mean, he's not insured?

- This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?

- Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?

- Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.

- What do you mean "You want a divorce"!

- I don't know what it is, but hurry up and pack it in ice.

- Let's hurry, I don't want to miss "Bay Watch"

- That laughing gas stuff is pretty cool. Can I have some more of that?

- Hey Charlie, unzip the bag on that one, he's still moving.

- Did the doctor know he would look like that afterwards?

- Of course I've performed this operation before, Nurse!

- FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!

supermario

04-01-2005, 10:35 AM

It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the
local university. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to
weed out new students, having over 700 students in the class!

The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided.
The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that
was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the
student would fail.

1/2 hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the
professor for an exam booklet.

"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated
sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.

"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing.

After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students
filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who
continued writing.

1/2 hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was
sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put
his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.

"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late."

The student looked incredulous and angry. "Do you know WHO I am?"

"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air
of sarcasm in his voice.

"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" the student asked again.

"No, and I don't care." replied the professor with an air of superiority.

"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed
exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.

L!l_R0ck@

04-01-2005, 12:41 PM

there are 3 women who go to heaven, and there is a pond of ducks.
if u stood on a duck u got chained to to a ugly man if u were a women (vice versa)
the 1st women lasted a week and stood on a duck she evaporated and got chained to a man.
the 2nd women lasted a month and stood on a duck she evaporated and got chained to a man (ugly)
but the 3rd lasted 3 years concentrating then someone was chained to her..

anyone get the gag????

a scottish man a english man and a irish man all found a magic slide.
the magic slide could grant watever the person wanted if u shouted it while going down the slide..
the scott went down and shouted silver!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
and landed in a puddle of silver dubloons
the english went down and shouted gold!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
and landed in a puddle of gold coins
the irish went down and shouted weeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
and landed in a puddle of wee

lol!

supermario

04-02-2005, 07:28 PM

MEMO TO ALL EMPLOYEES -

NEW COMPANY POLICIES: SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE We will no longer
accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to
go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you
need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We
hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of
employment.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for
dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to
have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where
employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in
the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your
lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share
of the work is enough to keep the job going in your absence.

YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two
weeks notice as it is your duty to train your replacement.

REST ROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the rest room. In the future,
we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For
instance, those whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:10,
employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so
on. If you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait
until the next day when your time comes again. In extreme emergencies
employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees'
supervisors in writing must approve this exchange.

** In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the
stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm bell will sound, the
toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

"Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Your personal well-being
is of the utmost importance to us and we are here to provide a
positive employment experience. All questions, comments, concerns,
complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
allegations, accusations, contemplation's, consternation's, or input
should be directed elsewhere."

Have a nice week.
MGMT

NAFC3S

04-03-2005, 11:57 AM

LMAO :D this is some funny stuff.

supermario

04-16-2005, 04:57 PM

The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows Longhorn:

1. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.

2. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.

3. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.

4. Press any key except ... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!

5. Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.

6. Close your eyes and press escape three times.

7. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

8. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?

9. Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"

10. This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."

11. To "shut down" your system, type "WIN."

12. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.

13. COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.

14. CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Reboot Washington D. C? (Y/N)

15. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

16. Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)

17. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.

18. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

19. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)

20. User Error: Replace user.

21. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"

22. Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due...

23. If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all your future creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have security?

24. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.

NeonShadows

04-18-2005, 06:48 PM

Ok well we've all heard some blonde jokes I'm sure and this one's pretty lame but oh well, here it is all the same:

There's three friends driving out in the middle of no where. One's blonde, one's brunette, and one's a red head. Their car breaks down and they get out. They decide to look around a bit. (It's because their cell phones were all roaming, we all know it.) They find a magic lamp and a genie comes out and says, "I'll grant each of you one wish." The brunette thinks a moment and says, "I wish I was at the mall." The genie nods and she disapears. The red head thinks a moment then says, "I wish I was at home." The genie nods and she disapears. The blonde then starts crying. The genie asks her, "What's wrong my dear?" The blonde sobs then says, "I wish my friends were here."

kid

04-19-2005, 08:11 PM

One of my friends is dyslexic and he told me a few jokes about himself the other day, I wish I could remember all of them but the two that stuck in my head I will repeat. Hopefully there aren't any dyslexics out there that will get offended.

Until he was 17 he thought DNA stood for the National Dyslexic Assosiation.

And when at Uni, He almost died when he turn up at a Toga party dressed as a Goat.

I love a person that can laugh at themselves
Be well
Kid

Fleet Asset

04-27-2005, 09:21 PM

Little Johnny is a real little bugger!
Little Johnny's neighbour had a baby. *Unfortunately, the baby was born
without ears. *When mother and new baby came home from the hospital
Johnny's
family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house,
Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no
ears. *His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about
the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears he would get the
spanking
of his life when they came back home. Little Johnny told his dad he
understood completely. When Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a
beautiful baby." The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny." Johnny
said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute
little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?" "Yes", the mother
replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."
"That's great", said Little Johnny, "coz he'd screwed if he needed
glasses."

slicedonions

05-08-2005, 09:18 AM

a guy puts some muffins in the oven.
The oven starts to get hot and one of the muffins goes "crap its getting really hot in here" another muffin goes "holy **** a talking muffin!"

rokuta

05-11-2005, 02:11 PM

whats brown and sticky?

a stick!!!

lmao

that was sad...

slicedonions

05-11-2005, 07:21 PM

that was sad...but i laughed

Skeletor

05-12-2005, 06:58 AM

A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a
blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the
space. Understandably, he shot her.

After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus
driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting
from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence,
the driver went to a nearby bus-stop and offered everyone waiting there a
free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling
the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre
fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

An American teenager was in the hospital yesterday recovering from
serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he
received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see
how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her
an examination to determine the cause of her daughter's swollen abdomen. It
only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say "Your daughter is pregnant." The
mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter
was a good girl and would never compromise her reputation by having sex with
a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon. The
mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you
paying attention to me?" "Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the East, and
three wise men came. And I was hoping that they would show up again."

When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at its intended victim
during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did
something that can only inspire wonder: He peered down the barrel and tried
the trigger again. This time it worked.

The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting
machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his
insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its
men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger.
The chef's claim was approved.

this is a classic
A passenger in a taxi tapped
the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost
control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped
just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything
was silent in the cab, then the driver said, "Please, don't ever do that
again. You scared the daylights out of me." The passenger, who was also
frightened, apologised and said he didn't realise that a tap on the shoulder
could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's
really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have
been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

Arkacia

05-14-2005, 06:00 PM

I cracked up at this one. Don't think it breaks the rules, maybe just bends them a little :D.

Miracle Worker

An old couple were sitting in their living room on a Sunday morning watching a religious program.

The preacher on this show would go to all the people in the audience and asking them what they wanted fixed, then he would have them cover the part of their body they wanted fixed.

Many of the people were elderly so they were covering their eyes and hearts. Then the preacher said "Ok now for you at home put your hand on the part of your body you want fixed and say this prayer with me."

So the little old lady put her hand on her heart, because she had a very bad heart. And the little old man put his hands on his crotch.

The little old lady turned to her husband and said "He said he could heal the sick, not raise the dead!"

rokuta

05-16-2005, 01:34 PM

In All the Land

Hercules, Snow White and Quasimodo were sitting at a table talking.
Hercules says, "I think I'm the strongest man in the world but it hasn't been proven yet."
Snow White says "I think I'm the fairest lady in the land but it hasn't been proven yet."
Quasie says "I think I'm the ugliest, meanest son of a gun in the world but it hasn't been proven yet."
The next day Hercules and Snow White are sitting at the table.
Hercules says, "It's true I'm the strongest man in the world for God told me so."
Snow White says, "It's true I'm the fairest lady in the land for God told me so."
Just then, Quasi started walking up the road really steamed.
He says, "Guys can you do me a favor? Tell me who the heck is Janet Reno?"

I've got others, but this is the only one that I've been able to come up with so far...

collosal9765

05-20-2005, 09:07 PM

:D He He :D

HinesDaMan

05-21-2005, 09:53 AM

A man walks into a party store, and purchases a 12-pack of Foster's, a Playboy magazine, and several bags of chips. When he walks up to the counter, the woman ringing him up says "So, are you a single bachelor?" The man, surprised, says "Yes, I am. Could you tell by what I am buying?" The lady replies "No, you're just f-ing ugly!"

Hope that's within the bounds...

rokuta

05-25-2005, 01:28 PM

these are kinda lame you guys...come up with some better ones! Whoever wins gets a cookie!

Mick

05-26-2005, 04:01 AM

Well lets see you do better:D...and if you win you can keep the cookie:p

playboybebe69k

05-26-2005, 03:25 PM

Arkacia

05-27-2005, 05:06 AM

http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif
People Who Should've Won This Years Nobel Prize

1. Britney Spears & Eminem
Who, combined, have written more books than they''ve read.

2. Dr. Phil Mcgraw
Who has managed to convince millions of women to buy his self-help books, despite the fact that his most hight-profile patient, Oprah Winfrey, is an overweight woman with serious commitment issues.

3. America''s Oil Companies
For a lifetime body of work proving that oil and water don''t mix.

4. Yasser Arafat & Ariel Sharon
For those 2 consecutive days last March when no Israelis or Palestinians killed each other.

5. Bill Gates
For creating the X-Box and convincing Americans that their children need a $200 video game system during a recession.

6. The Editors of Maxim
For managing to create 300 magazine pages a month using no other subjects besides beer and models.

7. Jared
Of the Subway Sandwich fame, whose claim of losing hundreds of pounds and achieving optimum health by eating nothing but oversized, greasy heroes was questioned by no one.

8. Jennifer Lopez
Who, in conjunction with DuPont, developed a synthetic fabric capable of containing her ass.

9. That 300 Pound Guy
Who always manages to jam himself into the coach seat right next to yours on coast to coast flights.

10. Glaxo
Who has managed to make "loose stools" a side effect of every one of the drugs it produces.

bandgeek

05-31-2005, 08:00 AM

Redhead visits the doctor

A gorgous young redhead goes into the docter's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. Impossible! says the docter. Show me.

The redhead beauty takes her finger, pushes on her left breast and screams, then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more agony.

She pushes her knee and screams; likewise she pushes her ankle and screams.
Everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"
"Well no," she says "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the docter says "Your finger is broken."

Mantzaros

06-04-2005, 04:15 PM

Alright, two remarks first: 1) I'm not too good at telling jokes, and 2) I'm not sure if this is supposed to be in the political jokes thread. Anyway, here goes nothing; I liked this one the first time I heard it.

Three men are sitting in a cell in a Soviet prison back in the cold war period. Not having anything better to do, they inquire each other of the reasons why they got imprisoned in the first place. They find out each of them had worked in Soviet factories prior to the current situation.

"Well, I used to be late for my work almost every day", the first man admits and continues, "so they accused me of sabotaging the production."

"Oh, in my case I used to work overtime a few nights a week...", the second man tells, "so the factory leader suspected me of industrial espionage."

"Bah! Unlike you both, I used to arrive at work exactly when my shift started, and leave for home precisely when it ended", the third man bitterly spits out.

"You filthy capitalist swine!", the two other men shout angrily, "you smuggle western watches with you!"

Arkacia

06-09-2005, 04:49 AM

That was a good one Maztzaros :D.

Found this one just now. Its a bit sexist but sort of makes up for all those blonde jokes :D:D.

10 reasons computers must be Males

10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

9. A better model is always just around the corner.

8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.

7. It is always necessary to have a backup.

6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.

5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.

4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

3. The lights are on but nobody's home.

2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.

1. Size does matter.

JsWoman

06-15-2005, 03:28 PM

What has 3 legs, but walks on 2, can talk but not everyone can understand it? Any ideas??

yarnellcg17

06-15-2005, 03:31 PM

Would that be Male?

JsWoman

06-15-2005, 03:32 PM

Amazing!!! The last time I posted that on a different site no one could figure it out... And within 5 minutes and someone got it right. YAY!! :D :D :D

Arkacia

06-19-2005, 07:59 PM

Just found this one on my favorite jokes site :D.

The Poet And The Scientist

There were once two people travelling on a train, a scientist and a poet, who were riding in the same compartment. They had never met before, so naturally, there wasn't much conversation between the two.
The poet was minding his own business, looking out the window at the beauty of the passing terrain. The scientist was very uptight, trying to think of things he didn't know so he could try to figure them out.

Finally, the scientist was so bored, that he said to the poet, "Hey, do you want to play a game?"

The poet, being content with what he was doing, ignored him and continued looking out the window, humming quietly to himself. This infuriated the scientist, who irritably asked again, "Hey, you, do you want to play a game? I'll ask you a question, and if you get it wrong, you give me $5. Then, YOU ask ME a question, and if I can't answer it, I'll give YOU $5."

The poet thought about this for a moment, but he decided against it, seeing that the scientist was obviously a very bright man. He politely turned down the scientist's offer.

The scientist, who, by this time was going mad, tried a final time. "Look, I'll ask you a question, and if you can't answer it, you give me $5. Then you ask ME a question, and if I can't answer it, I'll give you $50!"

Now, the poet was not that smart academically, but he wasn't totally stupid. He readily accepted the offer. "Okay," the scientist said, "what is the EXACT distance between the Earth and the Moon?"

The poet, obviously not knowing the answer, didn't stop to think about the scientist's question. He took a $5 bill out of his pocket and handed it to the scientist. The scientist happily accepted the bill and promptly said, "Okay, now it's your turn."

The poet thought about this for a few minutes, then asked, "All right, what goes up a mountain on three legs, but comes down on four?" The bright glow quickly vanished from the scientist's face. He thought about this for a long time, taking out his notepad and making numerous calculations. He finally gave up on his notepad and took out his laptop, using his Multimedia Encyclopedia.

After about an hour of this, the poet quietly watching the mountains of Colorado go by the whole time, the scientist FINALLY gave up. He reluctantly handed the poet a $50 bill. The poet accepted it graciously, turning back to the window.

"Wait!" the scientist shouted. "You can't do this to me! What's the answer??"

The poet looked at the scientist and calmly put another $5 bill into his hand.

Benny

07-12-2005, 10:27 PM

Q)Whats pink and fluffy
A)pink fluff

bandgeek

07-13-2005, 07:05 AM

How can you make a moron go insane?

Stick them in a round room and tell them there's a penny in the corner.

J.J

07-16-2005, 01:42 PM

how do you spell HIV (wait for the replie HIV) are you positive

(this joke must be used on sum1 hu can spell hiv

Arkacia

07-25-2005, 07:32 PM

These are some oldies but goodies :).

Why did the farmer feed his sheep scrap iron?
Because he wanted steel wool.

What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia.

How do you know if an elephant has been in your fridge?
Footprints in the butter.

What is the definition of extreme agony?
Dog in the desert without any trees.

yarnellcg17

08-08-2005, 01:17 AM

FBI agents conducted a "search and seizure" at the Southwood Psychiatric Hospital in San Diego, which was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of poring over many rooms of financial records, some sixty FBI agents worked up quite an appetite. The case agent in charge of the investigation called a local pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues.

The following telephone conversation took place:

Agent: Hello. I would like to order nineteen large pizzas and sixty-seven cans of soda.

Pizza man: And where would you like them delivered?

Agent: To the Southwood Psychiatric Hospital.

Pizza man: To the psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.

Pizza man: You're an FBI agent?

Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.

Pizza man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You'll have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.

Pizza man: And you say you're all FBI agents?

Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?

Pizza man: And you're over at Southwood?

Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?

Pizza man: And everyone at Southwood is an FBI agent?

Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.

Pizza man: How are you going to pay for this?

Agent: I have my check book right here.

Pizza man: And you are all FBI agents?

Agent: That's right, everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.

Pizza man: I don't think so.
Click.

JsWoman

08-13-2005, 07:48 AM

Would have better for the FBI agent if he had just used a credit card. Then the guy could check it, for validity, and have no problems with bringing pizza and soda. :D

yarnellcg17

08-15-2005, 02:07 PM

Where ya from..

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre.
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man,
"Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient.
"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager.
" Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.
In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.
Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," he answers as he moaned. "Where ya from or did you come from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice Sam replied
"The balcony."

JsWoman

08-16-2005, 04:53 PM

Well, thats a good reason to not want to move, I suppose. :D

This Joke is titled

Parking Space

The old gent was backing his Rolls into the last available parking space when
a zippy red sports car whipped in behind him to take the spot.

The young driver jumped out and said: "Sorry Pops, but you've got to be young and smart to do that."

The old man ignored the remark and kept reversing until the Rolls had crunched the sports car into a crumpled heap.

"Sorry son, you've got to be old and rich to do that!"

JsWoman

08-18-2005, 08:15 AM

I know I was the last one to post, but has anyone heard the one about the Magic Mountain?? If not, here goes. Hope you enjoy it.

There were once 3 men, an African, an Aussie, and an American, that were going on a quest to find the fabled magic mountain. It was said that anyone that was able to find this mountain, climb up to the topmost ledge, and have the courage to jump, could have anything they wanted. So they started on their journey, traveling for weeks upon weeks, until they came to a mountain that seemed to fit the description of the fabled magic mountain. They talked amongst themselves for a couple minutes, trying to decide what would be the best thing to do. Finally they came to the decision to climb up. It was said, also, that there would be a specific sign on the topmost ledge to let adventurers, such as themselves, know that this was the right mountain.

After a few hours, they finally reached the topmost ledge, and, there, as it was said to be, was the sign they were looking for. The three of them still felt some trepidation, though. But, after a minute, the African declared, "I am the bravest of us all, and I shall go first." So, he walked to the edge, looked over the ledge at the rocky ground below, then jumped off. As he was falling he yelled out, "I want to be the richest man in the WORLD!!!" Right before he hit the stony ground, he disappeared. In his home town there was a sudden news break about this particular man winning the most lottery jackpots, ever, and skyrocketing to become the richest man in the world.

The Aussie and the American were still both a little nervous, but the Aussie pulled himself together and declared, "I am the bravest of the both of us, mate, since I was the one that convinced you to come on this journey. I will be the next one to go." Taking a running start, he leapt off the ledge. As he was falling, he called out, "I want to be the president of Australia!!!!" Right before he was impaled on the rocks, he disappeared. In Australia, though, there was the announcement of the youngest man, ever, to be elected as Australia's new president.

Back on the ledge, the American was thinking to himself. "I have to think of something better than being the richest man in the world and being president." After a few more minutes contimplation, he thought he had it. So, he walked to the edge of the ledge, and continued to walk right over. As he was going down, he yelled out, "I want to be... OH, S***!!!! I forgot what I wanted to be!!" Right before he hit the ground, he turned into a big pile of s***. PLOP!!

yarnellcg17

08-18-2005, 09:00 AM

Gas is expensive and if you plan on stealing it, you'd better make
sure you get the right type. Two men in Indiana were
arrested on felony charges after their getaway was apparently spoiled
because their car wouldn't run.
Two men who tried to steal gasoline from a construction company
instead filled the tank of their car with off-road-grade diesel fuel
Sunday, police said.
An employee of Beer & Slabaugh spotted the men on the company property
near Nappanee, about 20 miles southeast of South Bend, as they were
siphoning fuel out of a car's tank, Elkhart County deputies said.
The two told the employee that a friend had put the wrong fuel into
the tank and they were trying to empty it, authorities said. The
employee noticed that the fuel was the distinctive red color of
off-road diesel.

JsWoman

08-19-2005, 08:39 AM

Too bad I couldn't send this email to everyone cause the cartoons that are in it, are pretty cool.

All About Farts.

A fart can be quiet,
A fart can be loud,
Some leave a powerful,
Poisonous cloud

A fart can be short,
Or a fart can be long,
Some farts have been known
To sound like a song......

A fart can create
A most curious medley,
A fart can be harmless,
Or silent, and deadly.

A fart might not smell,
While others are vile,
A fart may pass quickly,
Or linger a while......

A fart can occur
In a number of places,
And leave everyone there,
With strange looks on their faces.

From wide-open prairie,
To small elevators,
A fart will find all of
Us sooner or later.

But farts are all bad,
Is simply not true-
We must not forget.......
Sweet old farts like us

me and you!

A couple goes for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and orders the "Chicken Surprise". The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation. "Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?" The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise." "Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck"

yarnellcg17

08-19-2005, 09:14 AM

I ran across this accidently in another forum while looking for a recipe..It was 2 people discussing how to prevent garden damage.. The next post after this person made me laugh..

Our garden is about 20 feet from a small woody place, which is just because
that's the only place it can go. Every year we have awesome sweet corn
development until it's almost ready to pick, and suddenly all the ears are
gone. I figure it's raccoons, as none of the stalks were bothered except
for one year, so it's probably not deer.

Last year we got our entire back yard enclosed with split rail fence with a
wire liner too small for raccoons, and that had little effect on the
disappearance of corn.

I've tried tying the ears inside of school lunch bags and that is of some
limited help. I've thought of making a big cage out of chicken wire and PVC
pipe. Short of that, is there anything you've seen that has a proven
ability to protect the corn?

Follow-up question: this year we should have strawberries. Do raccoons
like to pilfer these too?
---------------------------------------------------------

Not as much as we love corn.
Signed Us Racoons

JsWoman

08-19-2005, 09:56 AM

LOL Funny one. :D

Ok, my turn, my turn!!

> Thanks for all the emails!
>
>
>
> I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your chain letters over the past two years. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy. Because of your concern...
>
>
>
> I no longer can drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
>
>
>
> I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
>
>
>
> I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
>
>
>
> I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
>
>
>
> I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
>
>
>
> I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
>
>
>
> I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise. I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our troops.
>
>
>
> I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a stupid number for which I will get the phone bill from h e _ _ with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
>
>
>
> I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
>
>
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> I no longer go to bars because someone will drug me and take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.
>
>
>
> Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an email to 7 of my friends and make a wish within 5 minutes.
>
>
>
> I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who has been dying for the past seven years.
>
>
>
> I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program. I will now return the favor....
>
>
>
> If you don't send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next 60 seconds, a large bird with diarrhea will fly over your head at 5:00 p. m., and the fleas of a thousand camels will infest your armpits. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of a friend of a friend's neighbor's cousin, and HE'S A LAWYER!

Arkacia

08-20-2005, 07:50 PM

This one should have you all thinking. It took me about 3 readings before I was able to understand the whole thing :D.

Europe English

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru! And zen world!

JsWoman

08-22-2005, 08:04 AM

This is funny, but it happened for real, to my daughter.

You ever have one of those mornings where nothing seems to go right? The alarm doesn't wake up the person it's supposed to, so you sit there for an hour trying to get them up. You aren't able to get out of bed fast enough to get to the bathroom, so you poop and pee in your diaper, then, because it's so gross, you turn the volume on the alarm up as high as it'll go to get Mommy's attention.
Finally she's awake to come get you out of the crib, but you are so upset that you're so filthy that you aren't able to calm down. Then your next destination is into the shower, but first the water is too cold, then it's too hot, until you finally have the temperature just right. Once it's finally ready, you have yourself into a high tantrum because you want it off of you, like 5 minutes ago. Within the next five, you're out of the shower, laying on the couch being dried off and having the last few remnants cleaned off, then having your new pull-up put on. At that point, you have settled down, and are in a good enough mood to watch some tv. :D

Don't know if any of you out there have had a morning like she had, but at least it makes for an interesting joke/story. And for those of you that didn't understand the volume part of the joke, it's her voice. :rolleyes:

yarnellcg17

08-22-2005, 08:32 AM

Arkacia..that was a bit confusing on that English Euro..

I have been in your shoes on your situation with that Js..makes for a bad start to your day for both you and her..
--------------------------------------------------------
Better than Divorce

A married couple are driving along a highway doing sixty mph, the wife behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks over at her and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing but slowly increases speed to seventy mph.

He then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet but speeds up as her anger increases.

"I want the house," he insists, pressing his luck. Again the wife speeds up, to eighty mph.

He says, "I want the car, too," but she just drives faster and faster.

By now she's up to ninety mph. "All right," he says, "I want the bank accounts, and all the credit cards, too."

The wife slowly starts to veer toward a bridge.

This makes him a bit nervous, so he says, "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife says, "No, I've got everything I need."

"Oh, really," he says, "so what have you got?"

Right before they slam into the wall at a hundred mph, the wife smiles and says, "The airbag."

JsWoman

08-30-2005, 07:54 AM

That's a good way of ensuring your philandering husband gets punished, but it's a bit extreme to prevent him from divorcing her. :eek:

__________________________________________________ ______

OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES

First grade teacher had twenty-five students in her class and she
presented each child in her class the first half of a well-known proverb
and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard
to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight
may surprise you! While reading these, keep in mind that these are
first graders ---- 6-year-olds - because the last one is classic!

1. Don't change horses.........................until they stop
running.

2. Strike while the.......................................bug is
close.

3. It's always darkest before......................Daylight Saving
Time.

4. Never underestimate the power
of............................termites.

5. You can lead a horse to water
but................................how?

6. Don't bite the hand that.................................looks
dirty.

7. No news
is................................................ impossible.

8. A miss is as good as
a............................................Mr.

9. You can't teach an old dog
new.................................math.

10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll...............stink in the
morning.

11. Love all,
trust............................................. .....me.

12. The pen is mightier than
the...................................pigs.

13. An idle mind is..............................the best way to
relax.

14. Where there's smoke
there's...............................pollution.

15. Happy the bride who...........................gets all the
presents.

16. A penny saved is...........................................not
much.

17. Two's company, three's................................the
Musketeers.

18. Don't put off till tomorrow what.............you put on to go to
bed.

19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and...........you
have to blow your nose.

20. There are none so blind as............................Stevie
Wonder.

21. Children should be seen and not..................spanked or
grounded.

22. If at first you don't succeed......................get new
batteries.

23. You get out of something only what you..........see in the
picture on the box.

24. When the blind lead the blind.....................get out of the
way.

The WINNER and last one!

25. Better late
than............................................pr egnant.

JsWoman

08-31-2005, 03:05 PM

Ok... Its been a day and no one has come up with anymore jokes, but I wanted to share this one, and don't feel like waiting. Hope you enjoy...

Police today warned all men who frequent yacht clubs and dock parties to stay cautious when offered drinks by women. Females are using a date rape drug called "beer" to target unsuspecting men. This drug comes in liquid form and is available nearly everywhere.

"Beer" is used by female predators to persuade helpless male victims to go home with them. Women need only persuade a man to consume a few of these "beers" and then ask him home for no-strings-attached sex, a simple approach that renders most men helpless.

After several "beers," men will have sex with even unattractive women. Often men awaken with only hazy memories of the night before, a horrible headache, and a vague feeling that something bad happened. Some really unfortunate men are even separated from their life's savings in a scam called "a relationship."

In extreme cases, females have entrapped unsuspecting males into long-term servitude through a punishment called "marriage."

Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam once "beer" is administered.

Forward this warning to every male you know. And if you, or some man you know, have fallen victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women who administer it, rest assured: male support groups exist in every major city where you can discuss the ugly details of your encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.

For the support group nearest you, look in the Yellow Pages under "Golf Courses."

lilricky70

09-01-2005, 01:24 PM

Mod edit: This post has been deleted for the following reason..

The reason in this link states: http://www.randomgames.com/forum/showthread.php?t=76
( Rule 4 )

And can be considered as such upon double posting

blazingeyes

09-04-2005, 07:07 PM

LOL thats cute but i really didnt get it

When the parrot says what did the chicken do, there was a frozen chicken in the freezer...as in for food...

JsWoman

09-04-2005, 07:10 PM

That was a good joke. A good way to get a naughty parrot to get it's butt back in line. :D

yarnellcg17

09-05-2005, 02:51 AM

Yeah I had seen that joke about the parrot..lol..
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"
The witness just stared out the window as though he hadn't hear the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.
The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."
"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you." :rolleyes:

Arkacia

09-05-2005, 04:39 AM

Food Spoilage Tests For Bachelors

THE GAG TEST: Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).

EGGS: When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.

DAIRY PRODUCTS: Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yoghurt. Yoghurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is blue cheese but you realise you've never purchased that kind.

MAYONNAISE: If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled.

FROZEN FOODS: Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.

EXPIRATION DATES: This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen.

MEAT: If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.

BREAD: Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy-looking white or green growth areas are a good indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.

FLOUR: Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.

SALT: It never spoils.

CANNED GOODS: Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a tennis ball should be disposed of. Carefully.

CARROTS: A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.

RAISINS AND SULTANAS: Raisins and sultanas should not be harder than your teeth.

POTATOES: Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.

CHIP DIP: If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.

EMPTY CONTAINERS: Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it only works if you live with your mother or have a maid.

UNMARKED ITEMS: You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you open them.

GENERAL RULE OF THUMB: Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in or nearby your refrigerator to gauge this.

b65ran

09-06-2005, 04:52 AM

oh my God it's funny.

JsWoman

09-06-2005, 07:11 AM

I agree. That was very funny.

I'm sure to edit this, before too much longer, to add in a joke, but I haven't been over to check my e-mail, yet. Bear with me. :D ;)

Ok, thanks for waiting. Here's my addition. I think it would normally make me laugh, but heard something that made me a bit upset. Oh, well. Here goes.

THINGS THAT HALLMARK CARDS DON'T SAY

////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

My tire was thumping.

I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire...

I noticed your cat.

Sorry!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~

Heard your wife left you,

How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it...

She moved in with me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~

Looking back over the years

that we've been together,

I can't help but wonder...

"What the hell was I thinking?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~

C ongratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your husband.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~

How could two people as beautiful as you

Have such an ugly baby?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~

I've always wanted to have

someone to hold,

someone to love.

After having met you ..

I've changed my mind.

-------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------------

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you.

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...

That you're not here to ruin it for me.

################################################## ##

Congratulations on your promotion.

Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.

************************************************** ******************************

H appy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~

Happy birthday! You look great for your age.

Almost Lifelike!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~

When we were together,

you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,

I think it's time you kept your promise.

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

W e have been friends for a very long time ..

let's say we stop?

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++

I 'm so miserable without you

it's almost like you're here.

================================================== ===

C ongratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was?

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Y our friends and I wanted to do

something special for your birthday.

So we're having you put to sleep.

)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

S o your daughter's a hooker,

and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side,

it's really good pay.

yarnellcg17

09-08-2005, 10:02 PM

Hoping these will bright things up some..
----------------------------------------------------------------\
Stranded on Island
There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it." I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back. :rolleyes:

ems41

10-05-2005, 09:43 AM

Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Where you left it! :D

Arkacia

10-09-2005, 01:11 AM

This one is a present for our Admin :D.

The laws of golf

LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.

LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.

LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?

LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.

LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).

LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."

LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.

yarnellcg17

10-10-2005, 05:43 PM

Oh no here comes the press again :rolleyes: ..dunno why they can't leave poor lil ole me alone..fooorre!! ping..hehehe..now I get to talk to just the lady reporter instead :D
Yes.. I knows Shaggy.. he's good news I tell ya's.we golfed just last week..No I do not know if Kangy Kang golfs..Now if you'll excuse me Miss I have have this Joke to post..
http://russheim.at/Bilder/hamster_golf.jpg
Something I seen while out west..
The Roadrunner was feeling very amorous one day, and since there were no other female roadrunners around, he decided to look around.

He happened to spot a lovely dove. Bzzzzzz... down he goes and feathers are flying, lots of dust in the air and the dazed dove is lying there with a smile and says, "I'm a dove and I've been loved!"

The Roadrunner is still not satisfied. He spots a Lark flying around and zooms down on her. Again, feathers are flying around and dust is in the air and the dazed Lark is lying there and said, "I'm a Lark and I've been sparked"

The Roadrunner is still not satisfied and spots a Duck. He zooms down and again feathers are flying and a lot of squawkings and dust flying in the air, and the roadrunner takes off.

The Duck is lying there really teed off, and says "I'm a Drake and there's been a mistake!"

Arkacia

11-05-2005, 03:22 AM

I have to put this one here as the last post in political humour, actually the only post in political humour, is mine :D.

Air Force One crashes.

Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm. Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the President's staff. To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to surround the man's tractor.

"Sir," the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath.

"Did you see this terrible accident happen?"

"Yep. Sure did." The man muttered unconcernedly.

"Do you realize that is the President of the United States airplane?"

"Yep."

"Were there any survivors?" the agent gasped.

"Nope. They's all kilt straight out." The farmer sighed cutting off his tractor motor. "I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning."

"The President of the United States is dead?" The agent gulped in disbelief.

"Well," the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his work. "He kept a-saying he wasn't ... but you know what a liar he is."

yarnellcg17

11-18-2005, 01:33 PM

An Irishman was drinking at the pub all night.
The bartender came up to him and told him that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face.
He tried to stand up one more time with the same result. So he figured he'd just crawl outside, hang out for a while, get some fresh air and hopefully that would sober him up.
Once outside he stood up and fell again right on his face.
So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrived at the door he tried one more time with the same results.
Exhausted, he then gave up and started crawling to the bedroom.
When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.
This time he managed to pull himself upright but he quickly fell right into the bed and fell sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
The next morning, he woke up with his wife standing over him shouting at him.
"So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"What makes you say that?" He asked as he put on an innocent look.
"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."

scaley

07-23-2006, 12:39 PM

Why was the cyclops a bad teacher? Because he only had 1 pupil!

Statorama

08-30-2006, 05:51 PM

what happened to the guy who ran in front of the car?
he got tired

what happend to the guy who ran behind the car?
he got exhausted
hahahaha

Gotta admit, I laughed :)

/\/1/\/J4

09-03-2006, 01:21 PM

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just 2, but you have to wonder how they got in there.

aaron_caley

10-08-2006, 11:52 AM

two hunters are in the woods and one accidently shoots the other, shocked he calls 999 and tells the operator what happened and what he should do. The operator replies well lets just make sure he's definately dead. Theres a pause and a gunshot is heard, the hunter comes back on the phone and says ok, now what

thecraftycat

10-12-2006, 05:23 AM

two fish in a tank
1 turns to the other says;
do u know how to drive this thing

lol:D

Arkacia

11-25-2006, 12:19 AM

I just read this on another site and "stole" it. It cracked me up. Sorry if you've seen it before :).

American members, this is here for a laugh, not as an insult ;).

A Message from John Cleese To the citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to elect competent Senators and Congressmen and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign
Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise." Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

3. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen." July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It will be called "Come-Uppance Day."

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

5. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

7. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling "gasoline")-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

9. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." American brands will be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English
dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater. You will cease playing American "football." There is only one kind of proper football; you call it "soccer."
Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American "football," but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

11. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

12. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation.